Apr 21, 2013 08:26 AM EDT | By Trevor Ruben
Sony did it with Playstation All-Stars: Battle Royale, so now perhaps it's time for Microsoft to start working on their own Super Smash Bros. rip-off. Despite what anybody says about a lack of innovation in the industry, you know you'd buy if they made it. And what better time? The industry is wrapping up another generation, which happens to be the first generation Microsoft can really call a success since the original Xbox. That's one out of two. Not bad, I think.
Over the course of seven or so years, Microsoft has amassed quite the impressive collection of mascots and pretty faces. Here are five of the most logical characters for the hypothetical game, no doubt to be released on the "hypothetical" Xbox 720.
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Master Chief, Halo
Special Move: Takes off mask, blinds all opponents
Halo is nothing without Master Chief. Arguably, Microsoft could say the same about itself. It's impossible to tell where the company's gaming sector might have gone without him. But here we are, Halo going strong with Halo 4 and Master Chief as green-tinted as ever. In our Super Smash Bros. rip-off he's an agile fighter with ranged capabilities. His interchangeable grenades offer varying tactics in enemy control while his guns manage opponents from across the stage. Up close, he's a little weak, until he pulls out the sword or hammer and everyone groans in mild frustration. "That's Halo." He's the noob cannon.
Marcus Fenix, Gears of War
Special Move: Chainsaws Dom's chest cavity, grabbing his heart and eating it. Renders opponents "in awe of bromance"
Marcus Fenix trades agility for brute force, will also utilizing his arsenal of weaponry to varying affect. Most importantly, his chainsaw-equipped Lancer enables quick swapping between firing off chip-damage bullets to devastating melee, though closing that gap might be a bit of a problem. His roadie run, while physically astounding, points Fenix like a bull in a velvet lounge.
Captain Price, Call of Duty: Modern Warfare
Special Move: Find a corner, crouches, becomes invincible
Okay, Call of Duty may not be the most exclusive series in the world, but c'mon, it's an Xbox franchise. Plus, Sonic was in Super Smash Bros. and Dead Space's Isaac was in Playstation All-Stars. In any case, Captain Price, as the Burt Reynolds of video games, get by on swagger, mustache power and a sultry accent. Price can't run without first screaming commands at non-existent allies, and his guns are surprisingly weak, but he makes up for those issues with pure determination of will. Price respawns in exactly one second and, if he survives for more than five seconds, can call in an airstrike that kills everyone six times over.
Special Move: Reveals motives, creeps everyone out
Not to leave the Xbox Live Arcade out of the mix, we first include Tim of Jonathan Blow's excellent Braid. Not necessarily the most skilled fighter, Tim utilizes his time-bending capabilities to round out his more "eccentric" tactical play. He can reverse projectiles by activating a time bubble around him at the right, er, time. Tim can also deploy several versions of himself to distract and overtake opponents. Most importantly, Tim can stalk his prey by teleporting because time travel is...a thing....he can do.
'Splosion Man, 'Splosion Man
Special Move: Loves donuts, eats donuts, 'splodes
A simpleton at heart, from the nutty minds at Twisted Pixel, 'Splosion Man just wants his freedom and the space to 'splode to his heart's desire. Unfortunately, he's also insane and will obliterate anyone in his path. A highly unique fighter, 'Splosion Man can insta-kill anyone by touch, utilizing a high-degree of jump height and control to do it, the only downside being he kills himself in the process. For this reason, 'Splosion Man must acquire multikills or somehow cause opponents to kill themselves to win a match. His maniacal laugh helps with the latter.
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