Settlers of Catan was recently optioned by producer Gail Katz for both film and television.The following is excerpted from the transcript of a Settlers Of Catan pitch meeting between Katz and an up and coming screenwriter. The writer has been asked to remain anonymous for the sake of any future career he or she wishes to preserve in the future:
"Good morning, Mrs. Katz. Or is it Ms? I'm very nervous. My first pitch meeting and to meet you. Wow. Just...anyways - keep it together. :: breathing sounds :: Okay, Settlers Of Catan. The worldwide phenomenon. It's more than a board game, it's a legend. It's like the Game of Thrones of board games - excepting the actual Game of Thrones board game - so, what we have in mind is an epic HBO style mini-series of this group of grizzled, but attractive Western Europeans traveling to this strange island in the middle of the ocean. We follow them from the time they first land and how they bicker and squabble and eke out a harsh existence Every episode is focused on a new family and features the most exciting of all dramatic devices: endless negotiation about wheat. And probably some boobs, I guess we kind of need those.
"How much are you willing to trade?" That's the tagline. Find out on HBO! We're predicting about seven seasons at $30 million an episode.
Okay, I can see that Game of Thrones imitators aren't your cup of tea. I respect that. Nobody watched that King Arthur series on Showtime, either. I can sense you're more of arthouse kind of woman - err, lady, err, um - anyways, so...Catan's a board game, right? So what if we make a movie about a game of Catan? Think of it like The Seventh Seal meets Battleship, only not in black and white, and good. These two characters, one is a representation of Klaus Teubler, the guy who invented the game - oh, my, you're actually right here in the room. Did not know that. So, Klaus, can I call you Klaus? No? Okay. Anyways, you're playing a game for your soul against not Death, because that's overused, but the literal embodiment of the Industrial Revolution and how it is ruining the quiet agrarian lifestyle of pre-Enlightenment times.
The twist is, you are both killed by the Robber during the last minute of the film! See? It's dark and smart. Right? What does the Robber represent? Well, you know, he represents...the general chaotic nature of the universe, you see.
Or we could forego the pretentiousness and make it like that scene in Clash of the Titans - the old one - which has the Gods playing with a giant map of the world.
Only the map is - yeah. That's right, it's a map of Catan. That had more punch when I said it...
What does Catan stand for anyway? How about this: sci-fi fantasy action movie. C.A.T.A.N.i which stands for Champions Against The All-Consuming Night. We could literally make this movie in After Effects, and I'm sure Len Wiseman would be on board to direct. We follow an ancient order, The Settlers Of C.A.T.A.N as they fight against - yes, the All-Consuming Night, Mr. Teuber. Thanks. They're uh, like a catch all name for supernatural forces. Only it's Steampunk, because that's in and The Order: 1886 is definitely a type of game we need more of.
The big seller here is the toys. Ninjas with guns for hands, people that can turn into monsters, monsters that can turn into sheep and sheep that can turn into...wait for it...wheat. BOOM! Bringing it all back. Amirite?
No, my time can't be up yet. I had a half hour. Where are you going? I got so many more! What about Catan, a weekly cop procedural show where they investigate poorly brokered deals amongst warring wood and sheep families? Robbers of Catan, which is like Firefly, only in Catan. Or a game show where people solve their problems over a game, called Settle: Catan. Or, or, or a half hour sitcom called Settlers in which two people have to come to grips with the fact that they may have married the wrong person while squeaking out a living in a pre-Industrial society! Hilarious hijinks ensue!
Wait, please. Come back."
The rest of the transcript kind of fades out into a bunch of garbled nonsense and something about "going back to veterinary school" before the recorder finally ran out of power.
Never forget:
