Candy Crush Saga, the sugary sweet could-be-classified-as-an-illegal-substance game from King, is one of the biggest apps on the planet. The F2P mobile title has brought in players from across generations; old and young, men and women, all bow before Candy Crush and its hundreds of diabetic-inducing levels.
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Make no mistake, though, this is not a video game; this is a casino. And the house always wins. Just like you can't sit down at a blackjack table without first knowing what you're getting yourself into, so too can you not just start playing Candy Crush. That way lies madness.
So we've compiled a few handy life lessons that we hope can save you some time and, more importantly, money whilst navigating the bright and sticky land of Candy Crush.
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First and foremost: time truly is money. The game's lockout timers and microtransactions are so legendary that nearly every F2P game on the App Store invokes it to some extent. Sure, you could wait for your lives to replenish after you screw-up, or you could pay $0.99 and get three more. That's like, 30 minutes you just saved there! Or is it? The average console game costs $60 these days. That's 180 lives, and you can burn through that in a day without thinking anything of it.
This is, at its heart, the same trick strip clubs employ. Nobody would be tossing out 20's to the girls; that's actual money, but a dollar here and a dollar there? We don't even realize we're giving it all away. Humans are just bad at small numbers like that.
However, if your money is more precious, then you will become Zen-like in your ability to wait the timers out. Patience, patience, patience. Mobile games are meant to be played in small bits; they're like sex, a lot of fun for a few minutes, and then a long wait in between sessions. The trick is to not drive yourself crazy and the main lesson is 'find another game to play' while you wait. We don't recommend another F2P game, like Clash of Clans, but always be sure to have something else to do while you wait for the cool down to finish.
Playing Candy Crush will let you see who your friends truly are, or at the very least, reveal fellow members of CCA (Candy Crush Anonymous). We've all been there, we're waiting on a life and instead of being patient, we send a mass message to our friends on Facebook. We've been on the sending end, we've been on the receiving end and the experience is like asking your family for money when they know you're just going to blow it on alcohol. But occasionally, a saint will take pity on you and give you a life. Cherish that friend. Cherish him or her like they are the only friend in the world.
Chances are they just might be. Though there is a greater chance of them just really wanting lives at some point in the future, so if you could just totally accept that, that'd be great, kthankbai.
However, after your entire friend's list is exhausted, you will come to this one horrible truth: god is dead and you're alone. A Candy Crusher's path is a lonely one, filled with a few brief moments of sweet satisfaction, followed by hours - days - of frustration. Steel yourselves, because nobody else wants to hear about it.
Finally, Candy Crush will infect your real life. You won't notice it at first, but soon, oh yes, very, very soon it will be everywhere. You can't be in a pharmacy, supermarket, deli without having sugar pangs. You feel it. You feel that lack, that hunger. A bag of skittles or Swedish fish bring instantly transport you to a time long ago, a time when you were happy, when you were crushing. Was it only twenty minutes ago? It feels like ages. They say when all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. When all you have is your Candy Crush addiction, everything looks like, well, candy.
They used to say there's no such thing as video game addiction.
They don't really say that anymore. Thanks, Candy Crush.
