Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon's Weapon Descriptions Are Just as Great as Far Cry 3's
In addition to being an excellent game, Far Cry 3 had some great spurts of humor for a game whose plot involved drug fueled hallucinations, human trafficking, and a soupçon of man rape, primarily in part due to notes found within the game's Survival Guide. It's standalone DLC, Blood Dragon, is no different. Ubisoft kept the humorous theme going with the Blood Dragon's weapon descriptions. They're also chock full of great references to some of the finest cinema the 80's could muster, which are explained below.
AJM9000 - "It's a given that this handgun is awesome, with a kick-ass muzzle flash and 3-round burst fire that's like mule-kicking enemies in chuckies. The gun was built and named in honor of a fallen DPD cop who fell in the line of duty fighting the creeps of the Detroit megaslums and industrial wastelands."
Right out of the gate, Ubisoft is honoring one of film's first cyborgs. To clue you in, DPD is the Detroit Police Department, and the AJM portion of this gun's namesake stands for Alex J. Murphy, better know to you and me as Robocop. The gun's updgrades even keep it going. In the case of the laser sight, the description reads, "For when you need to aim at a bad guy's nuts." That rings true for all of us, but it's yet another Robo-reference.
Fazertron - "You'd think that right out the box, something called the Fazertron would fire something cool, like laser beams or Honey Badgers, but no. This assault rifle shoots plain old bullets until you upgrade it to shoot deadly beams. Now you're thinking: 'F--k. I want it to fire Honey Badgers that have had their nuts flicked with a wet towel. Why'd you screw with my expectations like that?' Because."
Galleria1991 - "When it comes to shotguns, people throw around terms like stopping power and corridor clearing, but the truth is it's a great weapon to feel like an awesome prick. No, scratch that. The God of Awesome Pricks. You don't have to be some 20-something douche looking to go from zero to hero to save his grody friends. Just grab a shotgun, because nothing says, 'I belong' to the world like two barrels to the face."
Shotguns are usually named for their manufacturer, like Ruger, Serbu, or Benelli, but the namesake of this gun is yet another reference to another of cinema's leading cyborgs, and unequivocably the 90's biggest action star. None other than Arnold Schwarzenegger of "Terminator 2." Older readers may remember Arnie whipping this particular model shotgun from a box of roses, before promptly filling the T-1000 full of lead in the maintenance hallways of what LA mall? The Galleria. And 1991? The year the movie was released.
Kobracon - "You know that burning sensation you sometimes get when you go to the bathroom? Now imagine that happening... right through your skull. That's what happens when you put this rifle in the hands of a really good sniper. Put it in the hands of a bad sniper, though, and you're wasting ammo shooting around some clueless sentry who's turning around, saying: 'I thought I heard something.'"
Again, another RoboCop reference here. The massive gun Clarence used to turn a 6000SUX into a flaming pile of twisted metal was the Cobra Assault Cannon, the gun for which the Kobracon is essentially a futuristic portmanteau of.
Bow - "It's a bow. Seriously, if you need a description of what a bow does, maybe you should stop playing. Maybe read a dictionary. People who don't know what bows are get shot in the eyeballs. 'But a bow isn't the future,' you're whining. That's why we put neon on it, because neon is the future. Hence, this is the bow of the future."
Like the description notes, it's a bow. But because this is an 80's kinda future, it's also neon. Because Rex Power Colt is a man's man, and unlike Rambo, isn't afraid to bust out an electric colored bow.
Terror 4000 - "The Terror 3000 had reached the maximum rate of fire a weapon could dish out short of turning the stream of bullets into a steel-jacketed laser. So the Terror 4000 took the weapon in an entirely different direction, and now includes sweat-free grips, micro-fans to cool the user, and plasma speakers to deliver a surround sound experience with more auditory oomph. Now that's entertainment!"
Another movie homage with this gun, but not a Seagal or VanDamme movie. Rather, it's "Beverly Hills Cop 3," from a time when Eddie Murphy could still make movies sizable bank at the box office. Bronson Pinchot's Serge was trying to hock this gun off on the Murphy as the titular cop, Axel Foley. Just like Dragon's Terror 4000 featured micro fans and plasma speakers, the Annhilator 2000 came complete with microwave, video camera, night vision goggles, and other tech considered fancy in the early 90's.
Flamer - "The flamer's been around since ancient Greece and you can be sure their enemies called it 'being Greeked,' which probably isn't all that different from now. Because face it, when someone sprays you with flammable gas, you are well and truly f*cked. The name comes from the German 'flammenwerfer,' which is a dick move, because it sounds like you should be roasting marshmallows with it, not eyeballs."
Even in the future, the flamethrower is just that, a basic flamethrower. No improvements needed.
KillStar - "What's better than having a tank strapped to your arm? The Killstar, a weapon based on a mysterious design whose origins are lost in the fogs of history. This arm laser cannon feeds the bio-amplitude levels of the human body into reaching pitch resonance polarity. Did that make sense? Probably not, but then again... Arm Laser Cannon! Warning: May give you eye herpes. But... Arm Laser Cannon!"
"Krull," "Krull," "Krull." And "Krull" some more. Long before Liam Neeson was using his very specific set of skills to find and kill his daughter's kidnappers, one of his earlier roles was that of Kegan, an outlaw in the schlocky sci-fi cult flick "Krull," a movie which made the Glaive something of an iconic weapon in the genre. Versions of it would pop up in Secret of Mana, Dark Sector, Tomb Raider: The Angel of Darkness, and the Warcraft series. But KillStar sounds much cooler than "glaive."
Grenades - "Also known as the Island of Spice, this beautiful Caribbean island is a global destination for tourists. Wait, that's Grenada the country. Grenades, on the other hand, explode. You f**king throw them and yell something dumb like "Grenade out!" And then they blow up."
The term grenade is French for pomegranate, but the name of the country comes from the Spanish, who were reminded of Andalusia due to the island's lush green hills. Granada was one of the Kingdoms a long, long, time ago. The relevance of this history lesson to Blood Dragon? Very little.
Molotox - "Optimists see the bottle as half-full. Pessimists, half-empty. But a rare few see an incendiary device capable of flambeing enemies faster than you can say creme brulee. We call these fine folks visionaries."
Even in the future, fire in a bottle is a hardy weapon. Especially when thrown by a guy with robot arms.
C400 - "C400 is the latest in plastic explosives. Created by a Kindergarten teacher who discovered that cheap clay exploded when exposed to sweat and children's laughter, C400 has since become a disappointment worldwide."
Obviously great advancements were made since C4 was introduced in the 60's.
Mine - "Mines. You stick 'em in the ground and they blow up when someone steps on them. Maybe whoever invented them had a foot phobia. Some people have a foot fetish, so someone's gotta be walking around thinking: "Legs should start at the knees." So they invent the mine. Or maybe they just didn't like people. Either way, whoever made them was a dick."
Again, another device that doesn't require much improvement, but Ubisoft still missed an opportunity to add lasers to this gizmo.