No Monkeying Around, Donkey Kong Is A Jerk [OPINION]

By Luke Caulfield , Updated May 26, 2013 08:22 AM EDT

Once upon a time, 1981 specifically, Nintendo created a game that would set the standard for the platformer, a staple genre that helped lead to modern gaming, as well as help launch the careers of everyone's favorite perpetual working class Italian hero. That game? Everyone knows it, named for the ass on an ape who featured as the villain, none other than Donkey Kong.

Before he was even a pixel, Kong was destined to go down a rancorous road, being modeled after one of cartoon's earliest villains, Popeye's Bluto (Brutus, if you prefer). 

Once he was brought to life, 'Ol Donkey made his name known by one act of sheer douchebaggery, kidnapping the girlfriend of the mustachoied madcap. Creator Shigeru Miyamoto likes to explain this away by claiming that Mario, then Jumpman, was mistreating the simian simpleton. So, arguably, the carpenter had it coming. But not the damsel in distress.

Even his name is a reference to Kong being something of an asshat. Miyamoto thought "donkey" meant "stupid" in English, and if you can't figure out the Kong connection, then you're too far gone to be helped.

If you want to be argumentative about it, then the Kong in question isn't the laid back, banana scarfing, tie wearing monkey that most folks adore, but the curmudgeonly Cranky Kong. His penchant for contemptible behavior has followed him through the years, earning him his new nickname. His hatred isn't limited to folks outside hsi species either, taking the time to smack players with a cane, just for seeking advice that they would eventually have to pay for in later games.

Over 30 years later, nothing's changed, and it's clear that the current DK has inherited some of the Kong family's cruelty.

Scaring kids to promote a game? That's a new low DK, and with that kind of attitude, I can see why someone went and stole your banana hoard and kidnapped your hairy butt. I'm pretty sure the kid at the :14 mark needed a fresh pair of shorts after that.

It doesn't matter if he's making kids wet themselves, or fighting a scrawny boxer well under his weight class, DK is clearly a real piece of work, through and through.

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